my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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