Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
