I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
