god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
