I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
