I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
