I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
