He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
