Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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