I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
can u get pink eye on your cock?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
