She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
