i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think my moral compass just broke
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
