Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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