I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
