just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
