I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
