not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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