um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
