ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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