I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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