It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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