just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
