I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
