I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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