I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
