so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
