Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
