Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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