my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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