I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
