Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
