1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
