I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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