My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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