nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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