she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
