Need sex. Gaining weight.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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