I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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