If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
