My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
