do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
