Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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