The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize