Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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