i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
