i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
