so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
