I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
