Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
