I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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