first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
