My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
