she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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