im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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