you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
