On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Found the puke drawer
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
