I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
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I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
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Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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