i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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