I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
